Sunday, March 29, 2009

Trying to find a sense of myself

This last week has been really tough on me. Imagine my mind is a pin ball machine and the balls in the game are my thoughts and ideas. I have been bouncing ideas around inside my head for days now, I can't focus and I'm falling behind.

To give you an idea of some of my ideas, I'll number them.

1. Do craft shows in the fall
2. Don't do shows, send post cards to businesses and sell wholesale.
3. Quit my job and do summer shows
4. Work more hours at my job
5. Send free Christmas ornaments to shops to promote my clay
6. Stop doing cute clay and make "artsy" stuff
7. Forget about the artsy stuff and do the things I've been doing for years
8. Buy a tent
9. Don't buy a tent
10. Start making fairies (I bought four fairy books on amazon)
11. Sell fairy books on ebay
12. Make weird looking stuff
13. Do country and primitive stuff again (got a $19.00 subscription to Country Business Magazine)
14. Stop doing clay altogether and paint gourds
15. Ordered a bunch of gourds off of ebay..might turn around and sell them on ebay..still don't know
16. Do a trade show and sell primitive items
17. Do a trade show and sell Christmas ornaments
18. Don't waste money on a trade show, build up my website instead
19. Website doesn't get that many orders, don't waste my time
20. What if my website did start getting orders, then it wouldn't be a waste of time
21. Do more canvas paintings and embellish with clay
22. Make clay embellishments to sell to other artists
23. Make clay buttons
24. Take classes on making ceramic tiles
25. Make faux ceramic tiles
26. Make artsy jewelry
27. Make a lot of cake toppers

Then there's the whole graphics "ideas"..

1. Make a portfolio of my work and try to get a job as a graphic designer
2. I go to school, so I can't switch jobs right now, my job is really easy going with classes
3. Make banners for websites
4. Make clip art
5. Make images for people to have for their websites, jewelry, art work
6. Scan images and sell on ebay
7. Scan images and give away
8. Make business cards and signs, etc for crafters
9. Make a collage Cd full of ephemera

As you can see, the clay/art list is so much bigger than the graphics list, yet I'm going to school, getting a degree in Fine Arts...? Graphic Arts? Even there I can't make up my mind. (similar, but what will the end result be)..

I seriously think I have Adult Attention Deficit Disorder.

While writing this post, I stopped and took the test. Funny thing is, one of the questions goes like this...

21. My thoughts bounce around as if my mind is a pinball machine.
Not at all
Just a little
Quite a lot
Very much

I did this test after I described my mind as a pinball machine. I guess I'm not the only one who feels like this.
It's hard to feel like one's mind is cluttered. Or as the test describes it; many channels of television going off at the same time.

In my daily life I battle these thoughts..

1. Buy a house
2. rent a house
3. rent an apartment
4. move up north
5. move to florida
6. Get rid of a piece of furniture
7. Keep the piece of furniture
8. Rearrange my studio
9. Keep it the way it is
10. Paint?
11. Not paint?
12. Get married?
13. Stay single?
14. Make more friends?
15. Get rid of more friends?
16. Love my job?
17. Hate my job?

I feel debilitated by this. I think I'm ready to seek medication for it. I tried many years ago to address this in therapy, but it was dismissed. When I saw that I wasn't being heard, I quit going.
I think it's time to re-address this problem. I can't handle it any more.

I found a great website that seriously speaks to me. Artists & AADD. Check if out if you have Attention Deficit Disorder and don't want to feel alone.

If you find me missing from the blog for a few days, say to yourself, "Debbie's AADD must be in full swing,"

My plan was not to write this posting today. I was going to feature some books and magazines that I find inspiration in. I was also going to show some work I finished. But, the batteries in my camera died and have to be re-charged. Then I felt compelled to share this problem with you. I try to keep this blog interesting and creative, but sometimes real life takes over.

After the batteries are back to full juice, I'll share those books and magazines with you and show you my latest creations.


Anonymous said...

This is too scary, it sounds just like me, except I developed Fibromyalgia because of it!!! I have often begged my DH to just hit me in the head with a hammer because I just want my brain to shut up and leave me alone and LET ME SLEEP!!! The past two months I have been almost paralyzed because I can't get motivated to actually DO any of the things I'm thinking of. I understand and hope you can find some answers. Hugs, Sue C

TheClayMuse said...

Big HUGS Debbie!!! You're not alone. I may not have it as bad as you seem to but if only you had a look into my head.. well a look at the rambling nature of my blog posts may give you an idea!
Good luck in keeping yourself sane, I'll be here cheerin for ya!

garritygal said...

Thanks Sue and Clay Muse! I understand the whole "hit me in the head with a hammer" thing, because I just said that to someone the other day! What bothers me the most is that I'm a teeny tiny jealous of people who are focused and doing the things I SHOULD BE DOING! Oh, well, I will figure it out. Thanks again!

robinw said...

Hi Debbie,
Trust yourself. I do. Listen to yourself. I think you have great things to say. You are excellent wether you keep the furniture or get rid of it; whether you live in a house or an apartment; whether someone else realizes your excellence or not. Remember how excellent you are. xoxo

TheClayMuse said...

I gave you a lil shout out at my blog! Hope it drives some traffic your way!

Barbara Lil Dab Designs said...

Hi Debbie, I'm here thanks to The ClayMuse! I love to read other peoples blogs. My son says he has A.D.D. . He is in High School. I did not get a Doctor yet ,Because he is a teen that just does not want to go to school.(I'm Hoping).But know you have me wondering, Maybe I should look more into this A.D.D thing.I will have to take him more serious from now on.Thank you for posting this blog. Barbara (LilDabDesigns)

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